Abandonment

Faith is not belief without proof,
but trust without reservations.

Elton Trueblood

When I share my story of how this call to Rwanda came about, I've found that, with a few wonderful Evangelical exceptions, really prayerful Catholics are the ones who understand the significance of what's going on and engage with me most deeply. In fact, drawing on 2,000 years of historic spiritual theology and the lives of the saints, they often wisely instruct me in how to interpret the things I hear God saying and even the spontaneous response I have to Him.

The term that keeps coming up in these conversations, at least four times now, maybe five, is "abandonment". Apparently this is the word used to describe Mary's fiat, the "be it done unto me according to thy word" which she said to the angel at the Annunciation. It's the complete assent to the will of God and willingness to do what He wills, even if that will requires sacrifice and moving into the unknown or hardship. Abraham did it when he followed a voice out of Ur into the Promised Land, and again when he was willing to sacrifice Isaac. Ruth did it when she insisted on following Naomi and the God of Israel out of Moab. The apostle Paul did it after his conversion. Therese of Lisieux writes about it in her autobiography. I assume St. Peter Claver (see previous post) chose this path as well when he left Spain to minister to African slaves in Colombia. And of course, that wonderful quote by St. Ignatius that I photographed eloquently encapsulates the choice of abandonment to the will of God.

The fun part in all this is that I didn't know about the concept; I just knew that when God calls, you do what He says because anything else will come up empty. In my case, He just won't allow me to settle for less or different than His will - He absolutely blocks me from doing anything else I want to do. Call it frustrating or call it merciful, but that's reality for me. He seems to let an awful lot of other people off the hook. But in the words of Jesus, when Peter asked about the Apostle John, "Lord, what about him?" Well, "what is that to you? You must follow Me."

So there you have it. Abandonment.

My friend Leilani read me some amazing bits from a book on the theology of my namesake St. Therese of Lisieux - the book is called "I Believe in Love." The parts Leilani read to me last week fit what I'm experiencing to the T. And today someone suggested I read a book called Abandonment to Divine Providence by Caussade. So after holding out on buying more spiritual books....I bought both today.

I also bought the latest CD by Christy Nockels, one of my favorite voices in Christian music and the worship genre. As I'm listening to it I am reminded once again that she is an Evangelical mystic par excellence... and most of her songs exemplify this concept of abandonment. I have my treasured former roomie Marcy Komae Binuya to thank for introducing me to such a magnificent singer and spiritual influence! Though Evangelicals don't have this term "abandonment", I think a generation of young people pouring out their hearts and lives in worship and mission are showing a demonstration of it. http://www.24-7prayer.com/

One thing I've noticed, when I've chosen total abandonment, is that first I think it's impossible to hand so much to God, and then afterward I find that it's immensely relieving to do it, because the results are up to Him instead of my success or failure. The closest analogy I can find to that is the difference between shopping in a store with five choices for cereal, versus shopping in a store with a hundred. Have you ever walked down a Safeway aisle and really looked at HOW MANY there are? It's too much, and that kind of diversity of choice overwhelms a lot of new arrivals to this country, reducing them to weeping. Sometimes less is more....freeing.

Sure, responsibility with free choices is part of being an adult, but there are some things better left to God, like our marriage partner and the results of making a move He asks us to make. And while we panic about some commitments, once serious commitments are made, they free up energy and brain space, because we'd spent so much time sweating over the decision. That's one reason why we can trust that God can enable us to stay faithfully married to one person, or to follow the celibate life. And I found a similar effect when I wrestled over becoming Catholic - wasn't it shirking my responsibility to think through theological issues, to hand over final say to an institution? I really worried about this. And then I found that the Church could be trusted on an incredible range of issues, so I decided to trust it on pretty much all...and wow. Did it ever free me of a load of tension and give me energy to spend on people and calling.

My friend Justin made his first profession of vows to the Dominican order recently. In this photo he is on his knees, committing two more years of discernment to the Provincial of the order. I've noticed that since he joined the Dominicans, Justin is abandoned to God, peaceful, joyful, enjoying his life immensely and not burdened with worries in the least. If you'd told me when I knew him in college that he could be this relaxed, I'd have laughed and said that it was a copout from facing life.

I think differently now.

Vive abandonnement.