Weary

Despite the gorgeous sunshine, good sleep and the sweet birthday wishes beginning to come, I am, in the words of the hymn, "Weary, worn and sad." There are very obvious reasons for this.

* I haven't had a job since November, and I need to create a new strategy to turn this around.
* I have been carrying the burdens of a friend going through a terrible time in her life. While I wouldn't have it any other way, and I am deeply thankful to have been able to do this for her, there has been a high cost in terms of emotions, mental vigilance, time, money, former trusted friends attacking me brutally when they didn't understand what I was doing, and not having enough emotional support for myself. This role has shown all my strengths as a giver by nature, and yet shows that givers can get sucked dry.
* I had a taste of an outstanding area of involvement and personality match when I experienced the state Republican convention, and yet now I don't see where to go with it. Mostly for exhaustion reasons, I gave up the congressional run last night. I am tremendously conflicted and disappointed about that. However, opportunities are happening with a county chair's office and they seem to be happy that I've got a little more bandwidth now.
* My heart got unexpectedly swept up by someone with tremendous gifting, ability, leadership and compatibility with me. However, it's messy. It's also time to grow up and recognize the demands that come along with a man with enormous responsibilities. If you want to run with the big dogs...quit whining. But this isn't the man for me.
* I am waiting to hear from the University of Geneva any day now, and I have to decide soon if I will turn in an application for the University of Vienna. While I would love to go, and it makes sense to go and get a degree so I will have proper qualifications for what I want to do, I also feel torn about leaving at this point in my life. It's a feeling I'm really not sure I understand, and am waiting on God to interpret with me.
* I don't have enough people in my life who understand my ambitions or my personality, along with my values, who can counsel me in that way. Sharing my thoughts with most people leaves me feeling judged unfairly or simply looking back at a friend's blank expression. Thankfully, two of my girlfriends have really stood with me for years and through this time of transition, and others have done their best to come alongside. I just wish I had mentors to help me figure out my career.

So in general, I feel messed up, drained, alone and tired. Not enough positive stuff to keep my mind busy. It's easy to sit back and feel helpless.

And that's about as open as a girl can be in a public blog. I'm ready for a change of scenery and a new place to explore for a few days. I want a break in the worst way... or maybe just to buck up, face the music and get busy.

If you have run with footmen and they have tired you out,
Then how can you compete with horses?
If you fall down in a land of peace,
How will you do in the thicket of the Jordan?
Jeremiah 12:5