A Pastor's Rant

Wow. One of my favorite pastor friends, Tom Savage, hit the ball out of the park. I can't even put words to things like he does here - can't come close. Maybe I just don't dare. But Tom has a uniquely satisfyingly whiny way of bemoaning all that is broken in life, just the way a GenXer does so well. Think, "Blaaah!" He grounds it in solid understanding of people and God, with the time he did getting an M.Div and an M.A. in counseling, and he also gives a good take on the relational dangers of pastoring. So here's Tom's version of how I've been feeling the last couple of days. And if you like him, there's a link to his blog over on the left there in my "Fun Places to Go" list.

June 20th: One of those weeks again. I don't even know if anyone reads this blog, so I'm going to shoot straight - for my own sake. "All around me are familiar faces, worn out faces...worn out faces." Lyrics from Mad World (song by Gary Jules, I think). Anyway, mad world. We all operate out of our pain. We all live out of our pain, suffering, betrayal, struggles - creating new pain in ourselves and in others...and it's just compounded over and over and over again. And it has been compounded for centuries. It stinks. I want to say a stronger word, but I might offend.

Don't you have those days in which you just think you're DONE? Done caring. Done trying. Done being. Done thinking. Done praying. Done planning. Done trying (did I say that already?). Done relating. I know at least ONE reason why people are homeless. It keeps people out of your life and it keeps YOU out of other's lives!! It keeps people from getting in to hurt you (to a degree, I surmise). Homelessness is a barrier. A barrier to relationships....at least normal relationships. Sounds good. Barriers. We all create barriers to relationships, don't we?

The chapter in Matthew that we're hitting this Sunday is Matthew 18 (Jesus' commands on how to confront and settle conflict) - I hate it. I don't want to preach out of it. I don't get it. I don't do it well. I don't have it all dialed in. My living out and out OF the Gospel in relationships is WEAK. Very weak, and I want to say a stronger word, but I might offend.

I was talking to a guy out at the pool today whose wife left him after 6 years of marriage (she came here from another country and probably had planned to get citizenship and then leave him from the beginning)...Sheesh! Anyway, then I'm watching TV (nothing is on Friday nights, trust me!) - and it's that old flick, Stepmom, you know the one with Julia Roberts & Susan Sarandon?? Anyway, relational stuff. Another friend of late hit a terrible relational boxing match with another friend...and is broken and hurt by the whole ordeal. I have other examples...

Everywhere I turn...brokenness, mess, WE STINK AT RELATIONSHIPS ...and all I can think is that it's just not worth it most of the time (it feels that way). I know why pastors are aloof, up in an ivory tower somewhere (it's called the safety box)... getting to know people at all just hurts and eventually means leaving. I know why the average mileage of pastors these days is 5 years. 5 years and most pastors are done. DONE DONE...and undone. Relationships just eventually hurt. Christians, church people,.... sheeple - ouch. Relationships usually or eventually BLOW UP. They usually DON'T last or stay in that beautiful, wonderful mysterious state of HOPE for very long, do they? We always hope so much in these relationships ... maybe this person will... be WHAT? Be GOD to us??! That this relationship will really do it for us?? Maybe this person will be all that I ever dreamed. Nightmare.

Some of you [I mean the 2.2 of you who read this blog] are thinking right now that I am just cynical and in need of counseling. Am I?

Monk-hood sounds good. I want to run (and it's not about my marriage, ok?). It's just how I am feeling at the end of this week. Actually, I just want to SHUT DOWN. Do you know the feeling? Like, I will not put myself out there again. I will not trust. I will not be known. I will not try to know. I will stay in the shadows. I will not invite others in or be invited in. It's safer.

YET, the Gospel says that I can't do the SAFE thing. I say to myself - SO? Who cares? I know that the GOSPEL can transform my thoughts and feelings and even ACTUAL relational ills. I know that repentance and belief are keys to unlock the power in the Gospel of Jesus (Romans 1:16-17). I know that Christ has completely cared for me - thus I can give, trust, be open, get hurt, and experience pain in relationships... with his covering.

You know what? It all boils down to idolatry. It just does.

It sucks to be here. Just have to say it. It just does. And you know what? I cling to Christ more because of it - and I think always have. And so did and DO many believers around the world and throughout history... they suffered, LIVED lives of trial and pain - and clung to Jesus. But we do not cling to HIM. We only care that he makes life easy and happy for us. This is not Christianity. It just isn't. I know I said "SUCK" because it's further down, and only 1 of you is even reading this by now. I trimmed the fat...

I should go to bed. I probably just need to sleep it off. Too bad that I don't DRINK!