Grieving and thinking

The last few days have been rough. Culture shock is in full effect now after a delayed start. A lot of loss has been sinking in: the loss of both grandmothers in five months (and I think the last of my childhood went with them, vanishing down some sort of rabbit hole with the flick of a tail), the sudden loss of a friend I used to trust, the loss of the easy and physically-present camaraderie of friends in Europe, the loss of the home-feeling context of Europe itself, the loss of the previously hurtling-forward motion of one miracle and event on top of another. Things have slowed down to a crawl again, I feel stuck, and that's hard to take. Welcome to my brand of "reverse culture shock", only when coming back here.

It's not that the Bay Area is so bad (it's not), it's just that every time I'm in Europe, I settle in very quickly and feel that I'm at my best. I found myself there in 1998, hit my stride, and knew that if I stayed I would become the person I really wanted to be, spiritually and culturally. I find like-minded friends more easily and my goals find their natural context. It takes far more work and determination to accomplish that when I'm in North America. Mostly I just don't.

Europe has a refining effect on me and it feels incredibly natural. Brasil had an energizing, freeing effect and I missed my newfound sassy/comic side which surfaced along with the Italian-ish accent. Watching my old DVDs of the going away party makes me jealous for that old freedom to goof off and make people laugh and love.

I like these songs by Mindy Smith and John Mayer (in that order)... these lyrics aptly describe how I feel every time I leave Europe and go back to California, feeling shoved into the rootless, mass-produced swarm and fighting the losing battle inside to hold on to what is deepest and most important in my heart and life. Stay... please stay... but it never does.

you have won my favor
yours is a bright light
a soul on fire
my inspiration
you take my spirit higher

So keep on dancing through my dreams
don't wander far from me
if somebody tries to steal you away
please stay

If I were to lose this
I don't know what I'd do
Please stay...

How do I stop myself from
Being just a number
How will I hold my head
To keep from going under

Down to the wire
I wanted water but
I'll walk through the fire
If this is what it takes
To take me even higher
Then I'll come through
Like I do
When the world keeps
Testing me, testing me, testing me

That "testing me, testing me, TEST-ING ME!" gives vent to my aggravation. Argh!! Why does it have to be so hard to keep faith and persevere through a long-term plan sometimes! Remembering who I am and not giving in to the dulling of my environment takes a lot of conscious effort, especially when it's challenged by people who simply don't understand and look at me like I want too much or the wrong thing out of life. It's not too much. At times I can hear that snake in the garden slithering around, "Did God REALLY say that this is what you are supposed to do? Did He REALLY say that He made you like a Maserati and promise not to park you in the garage? Did He REALLY send you to Geneva to do anything besides face down your old trauma and sissy fears?" (Funny how first the devil inflates the fears to make them horrific and terrifying, then afterward says they were stupid and not worth the effort anyway, to undermine the victory won there.)

Well, yes, in fact. God did say, He did promise, He did send, He did win and He does have a plan. It's incredible how fast the memory of those incredible moments fades and how quickly I start questioning all over again. It's better to type this stuff out in black (blue) and white and hold myself accountable to it in the sight of others. And as I find out just who is really reading this blog and paying attention to so much of it (thanks Linda!), it's that much more motivating. Last night after a great teaching session on spiritual warfare, I was blessed to have time to talk and pray with my friend Audrey. I found it so much easier to pray through all these things bugging me when I had a witness there interceding for me and carrying me forward. Her prayer has been consistently for God to take back and give me what was robbed from me, and I know He will answer that, giving far more generously than merely replacing what was taken.

As the Father in the parable of the Prodigal Son says to his older son, "My [daughter], you are always with Me and everything I have is yours." What a promise to hold on to.

Audrey had a good exhortation for me last night: Grieve the losses. Just stay on guard against the lies that hammer away at a vulnerable time like this.

And there are still constructive steps in place. I still have a paper to write for Geneva. I need to prepare for and take the GRE this fall. I'll need to take another Economics course, and study German and French. So there's plenty to keep me busy, at least until those applications for grad schools go out in January to March. That was true before I left and it's still the case now.

[Sunset on the train ride from Vienna to Budapest]

Spiritually I find myself reaching down for some grounding, to remind myself of all of this instead of focusing on what I don't have. My assigned hours alone in the Catholic church are helpful. And once again, my favorite Christian artists Watermark have some great lyrics to give words to my prayers:

Still, let me be still
Let me be okay
With the quiet in my heart
Still, I want to be still
I'm so quick to move
Instead of listening to You
I'm your child
Tame my heart
Obedience
To me impart
Still

Change me while I am
Still
Let me be still
And know that you are God
And You're always enough
Still, I want to be still
To take all that I am
And simply lift it up

You've got all things suspended
All things connected
Nothing was forgotten
'Cause Your love is perfect
You are our healer
And You know what's broken
And we're not a mystery to You

We will dance 'cause you restore the wasted years and
You will sing over all our coming fears and
We'll stand grateful for all that has been left behind
and all that goes before us

Lord, You mend the breach
And You break every fetter
You give us Your best,
for what we thought was better
And You are to be praised
You are to be praised
You are to be praised....